The Hollow Apology: When “I’m Sorry” Isn’t a Real Apology

For Survivors of domestic violence, navigating apologies from their abuser can be one of the most confusing and emotionally draining aspects of their journey. Abusers often use apologies as a form of manipulation, rather than a sincere acknowledgment of harm. Whether it’s “I’m sorry for whatever you think I did” or “I’m sorry, but…,” these statements are not real apologies—they are tools to maintain control and avoid accountability.

In this blog, we’ll break down why these kinds of apologies are hollow and how they further manipulate the survivor instead of fostering genuine healing.

The Dangerous “I’m Sorry, But…”

A common tactic abusers use is the phrase “I’m sorry, but…”. This type of apology is not an admission of guilt or responsibility; instead, it places the blame on the Survivor or externalizes the abuser’s actions. The “but” signals a justification, an excuse that diminishes the impact of the apology and deflects responsibility.

Examples of these kinds of apologies include:

• “I’m sorry, but you made me do it.”
• “I’m sorry, but if you hadn’t acted that way, this wouldn’t have happened.”
• “I’m sorry, but I was under a lot of stress.”

These statements may appear apologetic, but they are actually disguised accusations. They suggest that the abuser’s harmful actions were inevitable or forced, making the Survivor feel responsible for their own abuse. By justifying or excusing their behavior, the abuser avoids accountability, placing the focus back on the Survivor.

How “I’m Sorry, But…” Reinforces Control

When an abuser says, “I’m sorry, but…,” they are not really apologizing—they are rationalizing their behavior. This tactic serves to reinforce their power by subtly suggesting that the Survivor’s actions caused the abuse. This is particularly harmful because it can make the Survivor question their own behavior, leading to a cycle of self-blame, guilt, and confusion.

The abuser may appear regretful on the surface, but the underlying message is that they aren’t truly responsible for the harm they’ve caused. Genuine remorse requires taking full responsibility for actions, without deflection or excuses. Anything less is manipulation.

Deflecting Responsibility with “I’m Sorry for Whatever You Think I Did”

Similarly, the statement “I’m sorry for whatever you think I did” is another form of deflection. Rather than acknowledging specific harm, this vague apology shifts the burden onto the Survivor. It suggests that the Survivor’s pain or experience of the abuse is subjective or even imagined. The abuser implies that the harm was not real or is open to interpretation, which gaslights the Survivor and undermines their emotional experience.

True apologies involve accountability, not ambiguity. They address specific actions and the real harm caused, not some vague notion of “whatever you think happened.” This kind of false apology is merely another tool to control the narrative and keep the Survivor questioning their own perceptions.

Hollow Apologies and Gaslighting

Both “I’m sorry, but…” and “I’m sorry for whatever you think I did” are subtle forms of gaslighting. Gaslighting occurs when an abuser manipulates a Survivor into questioning their reality, and these apologies do exactly that. By implying that the Survivor is overreacting or responsible for the abuse, the abuser is distorting the truth and causing the Survivor to doubt their own experience.

This is not an apology—it’s emotional manipulation.

Real Apologies Take Responsibility

A real apology acknowledges the harm caused, takes responsibility, and demonstrates a commitment to change. It’s free from deflections, justifications, and excuses. Genuine remorse involves:

• Admitting fault: Recognizing the specific actions that caused harm.
• Acknowledging the impact: Understanding how those actions affected the survivor.
• Taking accountability: Not placing blame or using excuses for the abusive behavior.
• Commitment to change: Demonstrating a willingness to learn, grow, and prevent future harm.

Anything less than this is not a real apology.

Healing Beyond Hollow Apologies

At Control Alt Delete, we understand how difficult it can be to navigate the emotional complexities of abuse, especially when faced with insincere apologies. Survivors often want to believe in the apology, in the hope that things will change. But hollow apologies like “I’m sorry, but…” or “I’m sorry for whatever you think I did” are signs of manipulation, not remorse.

If you’ve experienced these kinds of apologies, know that your feelings and experiences are valid. You are not to blame for the abuse you endured, and you deserve real accountability, not excuses or justifications. Healing begins when you recognize these false apologies for what they are: tactics to keep you trapped in a cycle of control.

You deserve an apology that reflects real change, not a hollow excuse.