For most people, “relax” sounds like an invitation to rest, recharge, and feel safe. But for Survivors of domestic violence, the concept of relaxing can feel foreign—or even threatening. Years of living in survival mode train the brain and body to remain on high alert at all times. When you’ve lived through abuse, “relax” isn’t just hard—it can trigger deep trauma responses.

Living in Constant Survival Mode

Abuse creates an environment where danger can strike without warning. Survivors often become experts at reading the smallest cues—a shift in tone, a certain look, footsteps in the hallway—because those details could mean the difference between safety and harm. Over time, this hyper-awareness becomes the brain’s default setting.

In a healthy, safe environment, people can let their guard down. But for Survivors, letting their guard down once meant being vulnerable to more abuse. The mind learns that relaxing is risky, and the body responds with tension, anxiety, or panic at the very idea.

Why the Word “Relax” Can Be Triggering

Many Survivors share that even hearing the word relax—whether it’s in a casual conversation, a yoga class, or during a medical appointment—can cause their heart to race or their muscles to tighten. This isn’t overreacting; it’s a trauma response.

For some, abusers weaponized the word. They might have used it while minimizing the Survivor’s fears, ignoring their boundaries, or dismissing their concerns:

• “Relax, I was only joking.”

• “Relax, you’re overreacting.”

• “Relax, nothing’s wrong.”

In these moments, “relax” didn’t mean comfort—it meant gaslighting, invalidation, and danger was still present. So when Survivors hear the word later, even in safe settings, their nervous system remembers the threat.

The Body Remembers

Trauma is stored not only in the mind, but in the body. This is why Survivors may feel their stomach knot, their breath shorten, or their chest tighten when told to “relax.” Their body remembers that the last time they tried to relax, something bad happened.

Neuroscience tells us that trauma can rewire the brain, particularly the amygdala (the fear center) and the hippocampus (which helps distinguish between past and present danger). That’s why Survivors may logically know they are safe now, yet still feel unsafe when told to relax.

Healing Takes Time

Learning to relax again is not as simple as deciding to. It can require:

• Therapy and counseling to process trauma and retrain the nervous system.

• Safe environments where Survivors are in control and free from danger.

• Small, gentle steps like practicing mindful breathing in short bursts rather than forcing long periods of stillness.

• Patience and self-compassion, because healing from abuse is not a quick process.

For Survivors, relaxing is not a weakness or a luxury—it’s a skill that must be slowly rebuilt after living in fear for so long.

You’re Not Broken

If you’re a Survivor and find it impossible to relax, know this: nothing is “wrong” with you. Your brain and body learned how to protect you. That vigilance helped keep you alive. Over time, with the right support, you can teach your body that it is safe to rest again.

At Control Alt Delete, we understand the hidden impacts of domestic violence—like the simple act of relaxing feeling impossible because we have lived it. We help Survivors not just escape abuse, but rebuild a life where safety, trust, and peace are possible again.