In the world of domestic violence, manipulation is a powerful tool that abusers use to maintain control. Another insidious tactic is known as DARVO—a manipulation technique that can leave Survivors confused, silenced, and questioning their reality.

Let’s break down what DARVO means, how it shows up in abusive relationships, and how you can recognize it if it’s happening to you or someone you love.

What Is DARVO?

DARVO is an acronym that stands for:

• Deny

• Attack

• Reverse

• Victim and

• Offender

It’s a common tactic used by abusers when they are confronted or held accountable. Instead of taking responsibility for their actions, the abuser denies the abuse, attacks the person who confronts them, and reverses the roles—casting themselves as the victim while painting the real victim as the offender.

What DARVO Looks Like

Here’s how DARVO might show up in real life:

• You confront your partner or parent about their verbal or physical abuse. They respond by saying, “You’re making things up,” or “That never happened.” (Deny)

• They escalate the situation by insulting you, accusing you of being too sensitive, or saying you’re the real problem in the relationship. (Attack)

• They then portray themselves as the one being abused: “You’re always accusing me. You’re emotionally abusive. I’m the one who’s suffering here.” (Reverse Victim and Offender)

DARVO often leaves Survivors confused and riddled with self-doubt. It’s not just emotional manipulation—it’s psychological abuse designed to shut down your voice and protect the abuser from accountability.

How DARVO Affects Survivors

DARVO can have lasting psychological effects on Survivors of domestic violence, including:

• Self-doubt and guilt: Survivors may begin to believe they are at fault or that they are exaggerating the abuse, when the reality is most Survivors downplay the actual abuse and minimize it.

• Isolation: Because DARVO tactics can be convincing, friends and family may side with the abuser, leaving the Survivor alone.

• Fear of speaking up: If every time you speak out, you’re met with rage, blame, or accusations, it becomes emotionally safer to stay silent.

• Trauma bonds: DARVO can deepen emotional entanglement with the abuser, making it harder to leave.

Signs You May Be Experiencing DARVO

You might be dealing with DARVO if:

• You feel like the “bad guy” every time you try to address your pain or concerns.

• Your partner twists conversations and outcomes so they become the victim.

• You leave arguments feeling confused, ashamed, or unsure of what just happened.

• You find yourself apologizing for things that were done to you.

• You fear bringing things up because you know it will be turned against you.

What To Do If You’re Experiencing DARVO

1. Document the behavior
   Keep a private journal, voice memo, or safe record of incidents. This helps ground your reality when gaslighting or DARVO tactics try to erode it.

2. Talk to a trusted professional
   A therapist, domestic violence advocate, or caseworker can help you unpack the manipulation and support your safety plan.

3. Don’t engage in the narrative twist
   When possible, disengage from circular conversations meant to confuse or flip the story. You do not owe anyone a debate about your trauma.

4. Know that you’re not alone
   DARVO is a common experience among Survivors. Just because your abuser is convincing doesn’t mean they’re right.

5. Reach out for help
   Control Alt Delete works with referred Survivors to help them escape and start over. If you are in danger or need to leave, connect with a trusted referral source to start the process.

Final Thoughts

DARVO is a psychological weapon designed to protect abusers and silence Survivors. Recognizing it is a powerful first step toward healing. At Control Alt Delete, we see through the manipulation—and we believe you.

If you or someone you love is experiencing abuse, know that help exists. You deserve to be safe, heard, and free from blame.