At Control Alt Delete, we talk often about the unseen and unheard ways domestic abuse manifests. One of the most insidious tools of abuse is something many Survivors know too well — even if they don’t yet have the language for it. It’s the dog whistle — a signal meant to control, silence, or intimidate — heard only by the person it’s aimed at.

Unlike overt violence or loud shouting, a dog whistle in the context of abuse might look like:

• A subtle glance across the room

• A smirk only the Survivor understands

• A sharp sound — like a snap or a cleared throat

• A well-timed interruption that shuts down a conversation before it even begins

To the outside world, these actions may appear meaningless or benign. But to the person on the receiving end — the Survivor — they carry years of warning, fear, and conditioning.

If You Grew Up With “The Look,” You’ve Heard the Whistle Before

If you were raised in a home where your parents gave you “the look” — that silent, sharp glance that instantly changed the mood in the room — you’ve been trained to respond to a dog whistle. You learned early on how quickly love could become danger, how one moment of comfort could turn to fear with nothing more than a raised eyebrow or tightened jaw.

That wasn’t normal — but it was normalized.

When you grow up in an environment where communication is layered with hidden threats and unspoken rules, you carry that awareness into adulthood. You might find yourself reacting instinctively to a partner’s tone or withdrawing when someone “jokes” with a hidden edge. The truth is: you’ve been groomed to pick up on these silent cues — and to obey them.

Why It’s Hard to Explain

One of the cruelties of dog whistle abuse is that it’s hard to prove — even to yourself. When you try to tell someone, it may sound like you’re overreacting:

• “He just smirked — what’s the big deal?”

• “She didn’t say anything — you’re being sensitive.”

• “That’s just how they joke.”

But you know what that smirk means. You felt the energy in the room change. You recognized the warning, just like you always have.

This isn’t sensitivity — it’s survival.

How to Spot It

Whether you’re a Survivor or someone supporting a Survivor, here are a few signs you’re witnessing dog whistle behavior:

• Changes in body language: The Survivor stiffens, stops talking, or diverts eye contact suddenly after a seemingly small gesture from the abuser.

• Shift in energy: A conversation that was open and safe suddenly shuts down.

• Micro-behaviors from the abuser: An eye roll, a click of the tongue, a private comment disguised as a joke.

• Repeated silencing: The Survivor appears hesitant to speak freely or seems to walk on eggshells.

Naming It Is Power

When we name abuse for what it is — even the silent kind — we take the first step toward breaking its hold. At Control Alt Delete, we believe Survivors. We believe that you know what you saw, what you heard, and how it made you feel. Just because others can’t hear the whistle doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

If this resonates with you, know you’re not alone. You’re not “too sensitive.” You’re not imagining things. You’ve been trained to survive, and now you get to choose something different.

Let’s keep talking about the dog whistles of abuse — and keep helping Survivors find the volume knob on their own voice again.