Abusers See Survivors as Servants, Not People

One of the most destructive but often overlooked patterns of domestic abuse is how abusers view the people in their lives—not as equal partners or cherished family members, but as tools meant to serve them. Survivors—whether they are spouses, partners, or even children—are expected to cater to the abuser’s needs at all times, with no regard for their own well-being.

“You Couldn’t Have Done It Without Me”

A common tactic of control is the way abusers try to take credit for anything the Survivor accomplishes. Whether it’s a job promotion, completing school, starting a business, or even getting through a difficult time, the abuser will twist the narrative to make it about themselves.

• “You wouldn’t have done that if I hadn’t pushed you.”

• “I supported you, so really it’s my success.”

• “You owe it all to me.”

These statements are not just manipulative—they’re erasing. They rob Survivors of their hard-earned moments of pride and reinforce the idea that they are incapable of succeeding without the abuser.

They Never Let You Rest

Survivors often share that the moment they sit down to rest or try to relax, the abuser will demand something. It doesn’t matter how small or ridiculous—fetching a glass of water, running an unnecessary errand, or being shamed to clean something already clean. This isn’t about needing help. It’s about never letting the Survivor feel peace or control over their own time.

This creates constant exhaustion and hyper-vigilance. Survivors learn that rest is dangerous—because the moment they take it, they will be punished with a demand.

Success Triggers Sabotage

The timing of these demands is rarely random. Abusers are calculated in how and when they disrupt a Survivor’s life. They know when something good is happening—an interview, a graduation, a birthday, a family event—and they deliberately create chaos to shift attention back to themselves and diminish the Survivor’s joy.

Success triggers sabotage.

An abuser might start a fight right before a celebration or after. They might create an emergency on the day of a big achievement. They might withhold praise or make the Survivor feel guilty or shame for being proud. All of it is designed to shrink the Survivor back down. To make sure they never feel too confident. To remind them who “really” matters.

This Includes Survivor Children

Children who grow up with abusers are not spared from this dynamic. Their accomplishments are also undermined, controlled, or stolen. Whether it’s a school award, an art project, or just a joyful moment, the abuser will find a way to minimize it or redirect attention to themselves. Children learn early on that their pride is dangerous and their worth is conditional.

It’s Not Love—It’s Control

In a healthy relationship, success is celebrated and rest is respected. But abusers don’t see the people in their lives as equals—they see them as extensions of their own ego. The constant demands, the hijacking of accomplishments, and the calculated sabotage are all about one thing: control.

You Deserve More

If you recognize these patterns, please know: it’s not your fault. You deserve peace. Read that again….You Deserve Peace!

You deserve credit for your own success. You deserve to rest without fear. Control Alt Delete understand this because we have lived it.

You are not here to serve.
You are here to live.
And that life belongs to you.