The Lifelong Effects of Childhood Exposure to Domestic Violence: Understanding Its Impact and Recognizing It as Child Abuse

Childhood exposure to domestic violence is a profound trauma that leaves an indelible mark on a child’s psyche, shaping their self-worth, relationships, and worldview. Witnessing abuse, whether physical, emotional, or psychological, is itself a form of child abuse. It forces children to endure an environment of fear, instability, and manipulation, undermining their development and well-being. The long-term consequences of this exposure are not just emotional scars but also tangible effects on the way Survivors navigate life as adults.

Childhood Exposure to Domestic Violence Is Child Abuse

When a child is exposed to domestic violence, they are directly harmed, even if they are not the immediate target of the abuse. These children live in constant fear and insecurity, often feeling powerless to intervene or escape. The emotional toll can be as severe as physical abuse. The home, a place that should provide safety and love, becomes a battleground where trust is eroded and fear reigns. This experience is inherently abusive, with effects that ripple through every aspect of a child’s life and development.

Lifelong Impacts: A Survivor’s Story

The following testimony from Survivor Charlotte illustrates the deep and multifaceted effects of childhood exposure to domestic violence:

“Abuse comes in so many forms. I was told I was not smart enough to go to college and they were not wasting money for me to go—I later graduated Summa Cum Laude. I was told wearing horizontal stripes would make me look like a cow—I still can’t bring myself to buy any. When I put on weight, I was told my husband would leave me or cheat on me—he didn’t, and he is still here.

Anytime I was celebrating something good in my life, I was told they were responsible for it—they weren’t. I succeeded in spite of them. I overcompensated for my kids, attended everything they ever did—because no one ever did for me. I overstock on groceries because I am so afraid of not having food—food insecurity is real.

I remember being made to eat hard-boiled eggs for a week because, at 12 years old, I was too heavy. I was told not to swallow toothpaste because it had calories. I need a TV on to fall asleep because, for many years, I needed to drown out what was happening in my house. I push people away before they have the opportunity to leave me, even though that is not their intention. Helping others heals what’s broken inside of me.

I don’t remember Christmas as a child. I can’t tell if it is because it did not happen or it just wasn’t a happy time.”

Rewriting History and the Harm of False Apologies

A particularly insidious aspect of childhood exposure to domestic violence is the tendency of abusive or complicit parents to rewrite history, minimizing or denying the abuse. This gaslighting exacerbates the trauma, leaving Survivors questioning their memories and feelings. When parents refuse to acknowledge the harm they caused or witnessed, they rob their children of validation and make healing even more challenging.

Even worse, some abusers offer false apologies when confronted with their actions. These hollow expressions of regret are often paired with excuses, blame-shifting, or subtle justifications, undermining the validity of the Survivor’s experience. A false apology is not an acknowledgment of harm—it is a manipulation tactic designed to deflect accountability and silence the Survivor. Examples of false apologies include:

• Excusing the behavior: “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I was just doing my best at the time.”
• Minimizing the harm: “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal; you’re overreacting.”
• Blame-shifting: “I wouldn’t have acted that way if you hadn’t been so difficult.”
• Avoiding accountability: “I was under a lot of stress back then. You don’t understand what I was going through.”
• Feigning amnesia: “I don’t remember it happening like that, but if it did, I guess I’m sorry.”
• Focusing on their feelings instead of the Survivor’s pain: “I said I’m sorry—what more do you want from me?”

These false apologies are not about making amends but about dismissing the Survivor’s pain and avoiding responsibility. They invalidate the Survivor’s experience, perpetuate feelings of self-doubt, and hinder the healing process.

The Path Forward

For children who grow up in abusive households, the effects don’t simply disappear when they leave the home. Survivors carry these wounds into adulthood, manifesting in anxiety, difficulty trusting others, overcompensation, and deep-seated insecurities. Recognizing that childhood exposure to domestic violence is child abuse is critical to addressing its impact and providing support for Survivors.

Healing is a lifelong process, but many find solace in helping others, as Survivor Charlotte so poignantly shared: “Helping others heals what’s broken inside of me.” Creating awareness, offering resources, and fostering a supportive community are crucial steps toward breaking the cycle of abuse and giving children a chance to heal.

Let us commit to recognizing and addressing the far-reaching impacts of childhood exposure to domestic violence and to supporting Survivors on their journey toward reclaiming their lives.