Every day, Survivors of domestic violence make the brave decision to seek help—sometimes risking their safety, housing, and financial stability to break free from their abuser. But what happens when the people they turn to for protection—law enforcement—respond with blame, disbelief, or indifference?

For many, it means going back to the very danger they were trying to escape.

Victim Shaming: A Dangerous Response to Domestic Violence

Victim shaming by law enforcement is more than just insensitive—it’s harmful. It can sound like:

• “Why didn’t you leave sooner?”

• “Are you sure this isn’t just a relationship issue?”

• “There’s no sign of injury, so we can’t do anything.”

These statements ignore the complex realities of domestic violence—manipulation, coercion, isolation, and fear. They put the burden of proof on the Survivor, instead of the responsibility where it belongs: on the person causing harm.

When Law Enforcement Gets It Wrong

Many officers are not trained to recognize the often subtle or non-physical signs of domestic abuse. Without domestic violence–specific training, critical warning signs can be missed:

• The Survivor is quiet or hesitant—not because they’re lying, but because they’re terrified.

• There are no visible bruises—because the abuse was emotional, financial, or sexual.

• The abuser is calm and cooperative—because they know how to manipulate the situation.

When law enforcement doesn’t believe a Survivor—or worse, treats them as the problem—it not only fails to protect them, it further victimizes them. They’re left to wonder: If even the police don’t believe me, who will?

This kind of dismissal sends Survivors back into the arms of their abuser, often feeling more trapped than ever before.

The Cost of Inaction

We have worked with Survivors who stayed in dangerous situations for months or years longer because of one devastating encounter with law enforcement, including the founder of Control Alt Delete herself. All it takes is one officer suggesting, “This doesn’t sound like abuse,” and the window to escape closes.

Every time law enforcement fails to respond appropriately, it reinforces a deadly cycle:

• Survivors lose trust in the system.

• Abusers become more emboldened.

• Violence escalates.

When the Courtroom Becomes Another Site of Harm

Sadly, the judicial system often continues where law enforcement leaves off—discrediting, dismissing, or outright endangering Survivors of domestic violence.

Courts are meant to be places of justice, but for many Survivors, they become a second battleground.

Survivors are often:

• Forced into mediation with their abuser—under the false belief that both parties are “equally responsible” or simply having “communication issues.”

• Required to co-parent with the person who abused them—despite clear evidence that the abuser poses a continued risk to both the Survivor and the children.

• Treated as unstable, uncooperative, or vindictive—especially if they express fear, trauma responses, or resistance to forced contact with their abuser.

In family court, abusers often manipulate legal systems as a continuation of their control. It’s known as legal abuse—a tactic used to exhaust, intimidate, and bankrupt Survivors into submission. Meanwhile, judges and mediators often lack the domestic violence training necessary to recognize these patterns.

As a result, Survivors are re-traumatized by the very systems they hoped would offer relief. Worse, children can be ordered into unsafe custody arrangements, perpetuating cycles of abuse.

What Needs to Change

1. Mandatory, specialized training for law enforcement and judicial officers—including judges, mediators, and court-appointed professionals—on the dynamics of abuse and trauma.

2. Survivor-centered practices in both criminal and family court that prioritize safety, not forced “resolution.”

3. Elimination of mandatory mediation in cases involving domestic violence or coercive control.

4. True accountability for legal professionals who fail to recognize or act on abuse disclosures.

5. Cross-agency collaboration with advocacy groups like Control Alt Delete to build a safer, more informed response network for Survivors.

Survivors Deserve to Be Heard

At Control Alt Delete, we know the strength it takes to ask for help. We also know how devastating it is when that help turns into harm.

We’re calling on every level of the system—from the streets to the courtroom—to do better.

Because Survivors don’t just need to escape violence.
They need to be believed.
They need to be safe.
They need a system that doesn’t ask them to co-parent with danger.

To the Survivors who feel silenced, dismissed, or blamed: we believe you. And we will not stop fighting for systems that do, too.

Control Alt Delete has an immense respect for law enforcement and our judicial system, often working hand in hand to get Survivors to their safety. But when the same system that should protect the Survivors fail it can be catastrophic.