🚨 Why You Should NEVER Tell Your Abuser You’re Planning to Leave
Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most dangerous times for a Survivor. It’s also one of the bravest steps a person can take. But one critical mistake that can put lives at risk is telling the abuser you plan to leave.
When an abuser senses they are losing control, the situation almost always escalates. Control is at the heart of domestic violence, and when that control starts to slip away, the abuser’s behavior can become unpredictable, violent, and even deadly.
Why You Shouldn’t Tell an Abuser You’re Leaving
Many Survivors believe that saying “I’m leaving” will make the abuser stop hurting them — that it will finally make them realize the damage they’ve caused. Unfortunately, that’s not how abuse works.
At Control Alt Delete, we’ve helped thousands of Survivors safely escape domestic violence in Arizona, and we know:
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Abusers can control their abuse. They don’t lash out at everyone — they choose when and where to show their anger. This proves that abuse is intentional, not caused by stress or anger.
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When an abuser feels they’re losing control, danger increases. Once they realize the Survivor is preparing to leave, the threats, manipulation, and violence often escalate.
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Promises to change rarely last. Abusers often cry, apologize, or make promises to improve, but the peace is temporary. Once the Survivor stays, the abuse usually returns — worse than before.
How to Leave an Abusive Relationship Safely
If you’re preparing to or thinking about leaving an abusive relationship, do not tell your abuser or anyone who might share your plans with them. Instead:
✅ Tell someone you trust. Confide only in someone outside the abuser’s circle — a trusted friend, family member, or advocate who will not reveal your plans.
✅ Create a domestic violence safety plan. Gather important documents, set aside emergency cash if possible, and identify a safe place to go. Even small steps like hiding a spare car key or packing a bag in advance can save your life.
✅ Reach out for help. Control Alt Delete provides confidential, safe support for Survivors escaping abuse every single day. From emergency supplies and gas cards to safe transportation and advocacy connections, we help make the escape possible. Have your advocate submit a referral when you are ready to leave and be gone for good.
You Are Not Alone
Every Survivor deserves the chance to live free from fear. You do not have to face this alone.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 911 or reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or thehotline.org.
