The holiday season, often painted as a time of joy and togetherness, can be incredibly challenging for Survivors of domestic abuse. Whether you’re still in the relationship or navigating life post-separation, the societal pressures to participate in gatherings and maintain family harmony can feel overwhelming. It’s crucial to prioritize your safety and emotional well-being, even if that means making difficult choices about where and how you spend the holidays.

Setting Boundaries: It’s 100% OK to Say No

The holidays often come with expectations to attend family gatherings or community events. However, if these gatherings put you in the same space as your abuser—or if the environment feels unsafe—it’s completely okay to opt out.

Saying “no” might feel difficult, especially if you’re accustomed to putting others’ comfort above your own. But remember: your well-being matters. You’re not obligated to be in proximity to someone who has harmed you, regardless of what others might expect. Protecting your peace isn’t selfish; it’s essential.

When Family Doesn’t Respect Your Boundaries

Unfortunately, family members may not always understand—or respect—the necessity of your boundaries. You may hear comments like:

• “Why can’t you just be civil for one day?”
• “You’re making it awkward for everyone.”
• “They’re trying to move on; can’t you?”

These remarks are not only dismissive but also reflective of a deeper issue: a lack of understanding about the dynamics of abuse. Abusers often cultivate a charming public persona, leaving family members unaware—or in denial—about the harm they’ve caused.

If you face pushback, try framing your decision in terms of personal growth and safety:

• “I need to spend this holiday focusing on my own healing.”
• “Being around them is harmful to my well-being, and I trust you’ll support me in prioritizing that.”

If family members continue to blame or guilt you, remember that their discomfort does not negate your right to set boundaries.

The Abuser as the “Holiday Victim”

Abusers often exploit the holiday season to reinforce their narrative as the victim. They may:

• Publicly lament how you’re “keeping the family apart.”
• Portray themselves as lonely, wronged, or misunderstood to garner sympathy.
• Use manipulative tactics like gift-giving or public apologies to make you seem unreasonable if you don’t reciprocate.

These behaviors are not genuine acts of remorse—they’re tools to maintain control and manipulate perceptions. Recognizing this dynamic can help you resist being drawn back into their web.

Creating a Holiday That Supports Your Healing

Even if traditional gatherings aren’t an option, you can still create meaningful holiday experiences:

• Celebrate on your terms. Whether it’s a quiet night at home, volunteering, or starting a new tradition, focus on activities that bring you peace.
• Connect with supportive people. Spend time with friends or chosen family who uplift and understand you.
• Practice self-care. Journaling, meditation, or simply giving yourself permission to rest can help you navigate the emotional weight of the season.
• Seek professional support. A therapist or support group can provide valuable tools and affirmations as you navigate these challenges.

You Deserve a Safe and Joyful Holiday

The holidays can be a stark reminder of the complexities of abuse, but they can also be an opportunity to reclaim your narrative. By setting boundaries, surrounding yourself with support, and rejecting harmful dynamics, you’re taking a powerful step toward healing.

You don’t have to adhere to anyone else’s vision of what the holidays should look like. Prioritizing your safety and emotional well-being isn’t just okay—it’s necessary. This season, give yourself the gift of peace. You deserve it.