I found out yesterday that one of the people that first exposed me to domestic violence passed away. My father died 7/5/2024.

I keep thinking I should feel something but I don’t. No grief, no sadness, no regret.  The truth is I have one happy memory throughout my entire childhood with my dad. I had to be 3 or 4 and on his shoulders as we walked through tall grass to go fishing.

One happy memory and a million others that were horrific and violent.

The house I grew up in was full of domestic abuse of every kind. For my dad, it was physical violence. I never knew what would set him off and most times never saw it coming.

As I think back to my childhood I am shocked at how many people knew about the horrific things happening in our house and did nothing. We had a minister, 2 nurses, a school teacher and even a police office at one point all living right around the house.

If you follow Control Alt Delete on social media and saw this post:

“On my morning walk one day this week I heard the unmistakable sounds of domestic violence.

In every situation you have decisions to make, chances to take. I called 911 then went up to the door and rang the bell.

The woman answered the door and I reached in, took her hand leading her outside and away from the door. I think she must have been surprised and just came with me.

The abuser came to the door demanding she come back in and wanted to know who the hell I was.

I kept ahold of her hand and walked a bit down the sidewalk softly telling her that the police were on the way.

She asked me how I knew. I told her I heard the sound of the slap and the yelling, the degrading comments he was making.

I stayed with her as she gave the police her statement. They took the abuser into custody, the physical signs of the abuse abundantly noticeable.

This Survivor has a relative she can go to stay with for safety, she has known for years she needed to leave but could not figure out how.

Control Alt Delete helped her with fuel for her car, a BIN Bin and snacks and a fast food gift card for the drive to safety.

I heard from her today. She slept peacefully last night for the first time in years. She told me that I probably saved her life

If you could save a life today would you?”

I could remember the feeling of seeing neighbors outside while violence ranged inside our home. No one did a single thing to intervene, not one person. I will not be that person.

Since I have started healing from all the domestic violence that took place in my life, I have learned so much.  Things I wish I had known before I married an abuser. You see when you grow up with abuse, that is all you know. You have no idea that life doesn’t have to be like that.

I saw my dad every so often when I lived back East. He had remarried a lovely woman named Carol. She was so nice! I hope that his relationship with her was different but knowing what I do now it is very unlikely.

I moved away 30 years ago and communication was sparse. A couple phone calls and Christmas cards exchanged.

I’ve never hated him; even though my mother has done everything in her power to try to get me to. Every phone call with my mother is full of hateful dialog about what a horrible person my dad is. It has been that way since I was 15 years old when they divorced. Toxic triangulation/parent alienation at its best but that’s for another time.

The entire first 30 years of my life were lived in flight, fight or freeze mode.  I don’t know how to relax and likely never will be able to. 30 years of sleep deprivation, malnutrition, manipulation, physical abuse, psychological torture, gas lighting, and guilt UGH the misguided guilt that has been heaped on me over the years and still happens to this day!

I hope my dad is at peace. For me I think the grieving process started when I started healing. The thing is domestic abuse of any kind is a choice of the abuser. A choice they make to harm another person.

I can honestly say I am lucky to have survived my childhood and glad that I am in a position now to help others escape right when they need to. Without my past I probably would not have founded Control Alt Delete or been in a place to help thousands of Survivors escape their terror of abuse.

Founder – Laura Pahules